Life's a Bitch....with a heart

My life... a double faced monster gnashing uncontrollably in my

Work life is so peachy with tea breaks and smiling WOs. No pressure on my brain, just life revolving around itself, chirpy and free. A picture painted with the fat paychecks of the 'dedicated' regulars who run the school.

Why am i So Distraught?

My heart is torn, crushed and severly damaged by the decisions i make everynight as i enter this world of cybernetic intelligence, emotions and farces. Who are we really in cyberspace, an instant message is just like an sms, you can lie as much as you want to convey different feelings to different people at the same time. Your mind is thinking of 'What the hell is happening here' and 'Oh i had a great day today', both are true feelings but not at the same moment....why cant we just teleport anywhere in the world and spend time with people who we love, and then teleport back for work.

I cant go on like this, living a life that is elusive and mysterious , EVEN TO ME!

'What's going on?'

I have a feeling that the end is near, nearer than i think it is.....time is running out

Problems can't be dalayed and prolonged, they only cause more hurt than they already do, dwelling and growing in size and complexity in your ever so creative mind.

I need help, but where do I get it? God? Yes of course i know he's there, i know he cares and i know he listens, but right now i need a human, coz my relationship with him is not strong at all....right now i need a human. A person who can adivce and get me out of this shithole of ideas and fantasies that i have.

help, desperate....soon

to the person who reads this from down under,

i don't know whats going on, i don't want to assume, coz the last time i assumed i was heartbroken to the point of death. but if it has anything to do with me, please settle it with me soon, my heart cannot bear for you to feel pain and my mind cannot bear the agony and suspense of this unsolved mystery. If i have done anything to hurt you i apologise, i really did not realise. I only care for you. That is my motivation. It is a mystery to me, whether feelings of anykind exist or not in this international connection. Whatever it is, i want to resolve it soon, for your sake and mine. But most importantly, i want to be true to what it is and not force any decision.

yours trully truthfully

Days Of Our Lives....

Life seems to pass you by very fast when you're not thinking about it, it was only Monday yesterday, today its Wednesday, and tommorrow is Friday. Shit, talk about a week...and what am i going to do this non-existent Thursday?

Sit in an air-conditioned class room from 8 to 9.30, then go for tea break, then sit in the same bloody class room, until 12.30 for lunch, then comeback to the SAME SHITTY classroom and sit until 3.30, then go for tea break, then later GO HOME AT 5.30.

Is that boring or what.....walau eh!

But its ok lah, at least i can rest in the class ( a.k.a. close my eyes and pretend to be listening to the earphones)

C.O.A is coming to camp on friday ( Chief of Army for all you sotong civillians ), a MG ( Major General, a.k.a. 2 stars, a.k.a. VERY VERY VERY BIG BOSS ). so we have a lot of cleaning to do and stuff. Saikang work loh!

Thus my shoulder is 11 weeks away from getting 2 chevrons.....finally shit right. Anyway, thinking of staying as an instructor...not bad life...i think.

This is for Anna:

Power Of Pain
by Star711
I sat alone another day.

The world was moving all around me,but it seemed as if my life was in a standstill.

The doctors say its anxiety.

Everyone thinks anxiety means nervousness or fear,but it is deeper than that.

Anxiety holds you prisoner.

You can't leave your house.

Ding

Dong

Ding

Dong

The doorbell rings but I can't answer.

There is too much fear inside.

You can't answer the phone.

Ring

Ring

Ring

"Telephone for you!" my family yells.

Itell them to say that I will call back, but I won't.

You can't eat.

Chomp

Bite

Chew

No, not me.

The anxiety even controls that.

All the pain rushes back up withevery little thing I eat.

You can't go out.

Step

Step

Step

Everyone walking around me, but I can't move, the apprehension paralyzes me.

Everyone says, "Be brave. You can do it.

You'll make it out of this."

But sometimes I wonder if I will.

I try to combat it all, but if I attempt to do anything,it all starts over again.

Thump

Thump

Thump

My heart beats faster and faster.

I can feel it in my chest.

Beads of sweat

Racing

Falling

Running down my forehead.

All the thoughts swarm in my brain.

The fear picks up.

It is unbearable.

I'm so frightened, but I don't know what of.

The paranoia sweeps over my body like a giant wave.

Every day I have to fight what seems to be a losing battle.

But then . . . I look outside.

I see the colors.

I see the life.

I see spirit.

I know I can do this.

Hope

Pray

Win

Life In The Fast Lane

Its been almost 3 weeks since my last post, making me wonder why i started this blog in the first place. Only to realise it was to journal my thoughts (Duh!). Some ppl are just so dumb!

Im currently in OETI, on course to become a vehicle techie (mechanic lah! repairing jeeps and trucks). A fun job, that will equip me with the basic skills to reapair and modify my car. Which was what i always dreamed of, so im Happy!

Ive just been Downgraded to Pes C2L2 Permanent! That means no more IPPT or Marching! Hooray! An NSF's dream, well not really. If i was still in the Air Force, I'd be happily Pes A and Chionging through OCS. But alas, i have no purpose in Ns now, except being a mechanic. So no use in stressing myself, and chionging.

Other than that, my life has been pretty exciting, well, ever since i put certain pics on my Friendster (taken by Min), i've been getting a lot of friend requests....mostly from ppl i dont know. Ok they are all girls! Well what can i do? Out of the "few" only 3 survived, LOL, like reality show like that (the Bachelor). All of them are actually from overseas, less one from TP.

Weekday life is a chore, waking up at 5.30 is so shitty and cumbersome! And my camp is all the way in the west, Ayer Rajah.....sianz! But you got to pay the price of freedom of 8 to 5. At least i can sleep in my own comfy bed!

Well, my life goes on with or without the world turning.

Life is a Box of CHocolated Covered STraWBerry CheeseCakeSliCES.